Jimmy's Death

UPDATE: NOT a suicide.

Jimmy's dead and it's an accident. Random death has always bothered me, and while this counts, there's no real relevant thinking I've got in that direction. He's dead, and that means a lot of never again's. Hopes and dreams, smiles and thoughts.

I'm still not really mourning for the reasons below; his past still exists, and with it, pieces of him - so we're all carrying Jimmy's existence forward in time. But there's no future that he'll provide, and that's sad. I don't have anything about making that not sad; all I've got are changes of focus - the usual (effective) platitudes - remember the joy, not the dismay. Focus on what you've got, rather than what you can now never have.

I'm sad, but not really mourning, and there's a little spot in my head I'm keeping for him.


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So, a friend of mine died a few days ago, and it's likely a suicide, but they haven't it ruled it one way or another yet.

Anyway. I realized I wasn't grieving as much as everyone else, and I thought about why. It's because I'd already finished, more or less, and I sort of wanted to share how and why, 'cuz it's philosophy and this is a blog.

First, I need to explain a bit of that I think of suicide. Mostly, I think it's silly, but I can begin to understand the motivations for it. In the end, I always still think - you could have taken everything you have, and moved somewhere entirely new. If you don't like the life you have, go get a different life.

That's not always possible, I think, but that's the advice I've given on the rare occasions advice on that topic has been needed. Once, as far as I know of, it's actually been taken.

Anyway. I find suicide particularly tragic because your existence ends at a low point; there's no hope to be had because it, now, can never get better. Under some views, that's your existence for ever after.

But. But! That's not in my life. That's not the Jimmy my existence carries forward, because he was never in those spots when I knew him. My existence carries forward the thinking, friendly, anxious Jimmy, eager to please to the point that he didn't accept that he already was. I'm carrying forward the Jimmy that got up one day and decided he'd see how long he could water fast, and did so until he had a few moments of blackout. The Jimmy that always wins at Axis and Allies (even with Italy!), and could be trusted with game-destroying power because he'd only ever use it to make everyone else's experience better. The Jimmy shooting the shit with us around Tofu Tim's table.

That's the existence he'll always have in my life.

It's when I thought that, and toasted to his spirit that I'd do this, that I finished grieving.