Friday, December 3, 2010

Late Night Realizations

So, I mentioned in the last post that I always seemed to get the philosophy, etc, that gets me all riled up and ready to DO things at night. Before I try to sleep. And that maybe, you know, maybe that's a bad way to do it. Heh.

Well - It just occurred to me, in the aftermath of getting all riled up via some Yudkowsky, that it's because when I wake up I'm in such a rush to go start my day that I don't really take any time to savor starting it, so to speak. That maybe I should carve out a bit of time in the mornings, and get all riled up, using the same things that do it at night.

---

Want it; then make it happen. With your hands and with your heart, make what you think should be, be.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

La Vie Reactions

Do I need some text above the link...?

La Vie

I'm giving this speech more or less the same treatement as Nietzsche, only not held to paragraphs, and with no audio; my music fills my space, and leaves little room for my voice - which, actually, makes it that much easier to externalize that internal monologue. I should make a note, here: Why do I find it so hard to open myself like this when I am not alone? Although - I may be able to answer that, with concepts highly related to my experiences with Burners - Performance, versus Jam. With myself, it is as an uninterrupted philosophy jam - with others, too easily, it can become a performance. Participation in a community versus a seperation of it -

Anyway, onto the same concept from a different source:

"The commodification of our culture, as representing a final phase of late 20th century capitalism, has only gradually become apparent, and even now the scale of its effects on our society are not well understood. Had I known this when I scanned that sea of television antennas many years ago, I would have realized that beneath each roof in every house, there existed people held in isolation from the world at large. Like those famous prisoners in Plato's cave, these internees are given only spectral shadows to experience. They stare steadily at entertaining images and by degrees mistake them for palpable things and real experience. Gnawed by an incessant appetite, a boundless hunger for spectacle and it's ambiguous promise of satisfaction, they endure this vicarious state from day to day, from year to year, now throughout entire lifetimes, in a state of isolation from the sunlit world and from one another."

He's talking about television, and the effect the marketing of ads has had on all of us. When I look at this from the perspective of calling it escapism - I then look at myself, and what I do, and ask - am I doing the same? And I want to say - No! I am better than that, stronger, and the media I consume isn't that sort of thing!

Maybe it's true and maybe I'm fooling myself, but I can certainly taste aspects of each answer in my life. It's the promise of Magic (and, via Clark's law, technology), that we can replace the craft in art so that each and every one of us can easily and flawlessly express that which lies within. It's why magic - or, to use what seems to be the favored meme-set of those I've been spending my time with - the Force of the Jedi - is so appealing. To make your will directly manifest, to cut through the weaknesses or flaws of flesh straight to the expression.
(To be fair to my fine friends, I don't think they put much emphasis on the Force part of the Jedi)

We all want to already be who we wish to be, and skip the hard part of becoming them. Or, I know I do - and maybe that's part of my personal issues and personality failings. Heh. Well - no, hmm. When I look at myself closer, I'm seeing something importantly different, and perhaps very fittingly different.

It's escapism, vain hope, lazy desires, when I have an unclear idea of who I wish to be. When I hold in my mind's eye the man I wish to be, as much as I know him, I find myself relishing getting there. Perhaps it is that the act of envisioning shows the differences between us - so that I am not him, and even should I be able to make my will manifest, it wouldn't be the will I want to have.

Hmm. Might I then say, when you learn the craft of an art, the art crafts you?

----

A lifestyle, with its panoply of status coded goods, is a commodified version of what we used to call a way of life. Marketers have learned to sort us into separate stalls like cattle in a feed lot. Using focus groups, it's endlessly possible to invent new and appealing lifestyles which give us the illusion we are making lifestyle statements and are members of imaginary peer groups.

And that's part of where what I talked about in the start of this post comes from - that participation in a culture rather than a consumption of it. I am not my money; my money joins a culture when I buy this or that from it, but I do not. A culture isn't something you can own; it is only something you can participate in. I would put forth that this is why the tickets to Burning Man are so cheap (and, when you look at what you do, they are - compare them to anything else of similarity) - it is because their monetary costs are incidental. The real price of admission is participation - and through participation, we join and form a real peer group, not one that is imaginary.

Although it's unfair to say this about places I've never really been - I feel as though this is why I don't enjoy regular clubs but have so very much loved Fanfest and the Burner parties - regular places are full of people that don't realize they can be someone, and that you don't be someone by having things. (Differentiating from "spending your money", because there are people for whom that is the participation in their chosen community. Unusually, I might say then that those who spend money because they enjoy the act are OK, it's the people who think the things they now "own" make them who they have to be that have the problem. And, again, I find myself with that wonderful Fight Club quote:

The things you own end up owning you.

What, then, if I pick very carefully the things that I own, and then fully engulf myself in being owned by them?

It's parallel to an interesting concept, but as described, it's exactly what the quote is warning against. There's a style of doing that, I feel, that makes it work out - think of the Car Guy, who saved up to buy some old or fancy car, and keeps it in top shape through constant work. He has an identity, through the mutual ownership he has with his object - but there's still something sad about him. Yet - if we take that car, and damage it, and Car Guy works contentedly to restore this car - ah, then I do not pity him. He is then truly Car Guy, for it is not the fact of possession which defines him, it is the participation he has with the vehicle.

That may be part of why I do not want to invite anyone over to my home - I don't participate enough with it. It's a place that I occupy still, not the place that I live. I happen to have it, but I don't participate (enough) with it. Which is very true! I don't spend time here to be here, I spend it, generally, on my way from here to there. It's a base camp, not a home.

Hmm.

----

Our entire public environment, in fact, is being redesigned for the sole purpose of facilitating anonymous acts of consumption

And I say I love GrubHub; and yet it allows me to avoid talking to a person at all to get my food. Facebook allows me, nominally, to talk to everyone I know; but in and amongst all that, am I really trying to be heard? Am I really trying to hear anyone else?

I may or may not have talked about the Crazy Christian guy on the Promenade, so I'll describe him briefly: He sets up a booth, with signs, speakers, and a mic, and invites people to talk to him about his opinions, which I consider extreme and inflamatory. But I have a lot of respect for the guy, and what he's doing - and he's using a public space to be public.

I also can't help but wonder about the interplay between privacy concerns and what sets us up to these "anonymous acts of consumption". I mean, that's not all there is to privacy concerns, but I feel like part of it matches.

It is inserted into movies and it dances at the corners of computer screens. "What will you do next?", we ask our heroes in their shining moments of glory, and they tell us, "I'm going to Disneyland."

I wonder how much of whatever underlying dakine I'm trying to get at (I can't even grab the worldless concept yet, so it's not just the translation to words) shows up in my constant desire to be doing things - that when I am with friends, or lovers, I feel such a need to be doing something, because my heroes didn't just say, "I'm going to be with my friends", they added; " at Disneyland."

---

When children addicted to video games slaughter other children with automatic weapons, and do this in the style of video games, we know that something tragic is occurring. Critics call for better values, as if values were something that could be advertised and sold.

I find this quote, and concept, striking, but don't have anything in particular to say about it at the moment. It's something to reference at another time, I think.

---

"Imagine you are put upon a desert plain, a space which is so vast and blank that only your initiative can make of it a place... The Black Rock desert is an empty void. Not a bird or bush or bump disturb its surface. It is a place that is no place at all apart from what we choose to make of it."

The Buddha says to take all wisdom given to us, and compare it to that which we know is true. I don't know what else to say than that this attitude is true. We are meant to make, and create, of our own will and initiative. If what we own owns us, then what we make is us.

---

So the punks, responding, perhaps, a little crudely at times, made it their first tenet that "we won't sell out!". And then they had another idea. The other idea was "make your own show". Never sell out, make your own show.

Ahhhhh - How often do I get what I want, rather than what I need? I have always said that at RPI, we really, really, had to make our own fun, as there was so little to be found around.

I'm also getting a better appreciation of why Flow Temple was invite-only, but it still bothers me that so many thought they couldn't invite. Or that they couldn't invite me.


---

There's this concept I think I mentioned in this post, but maybe not so explicitly, that I'm gestating. It's still a bit fuzzy, but it's the whole idea of the cost to join is participation. The only price there is that you're here to do, not to consume.

---

I'm reading this speech and it's like gamers grew up and became adults. We make our own fun! he shouts; We make the show, and there is no audience!

---

When I look at this culture, and the acts that they do, I feel a fear, a fear related to the idea of hitting rock bottom, or of loss of what I have. I fear The Man, and what he may do should I participate in these things. And I am at war with myself; Fuck the Man and I Like My Job.

And sitting back, is the me that's asking, "Well, who is it that you want to be?" So we're compromising, and continuing what we're doing - but perhaps paying a bit more attention to who I want to be.

---

It partakes somewhat of the paranoia of anarchism, too. Because, really, underlying it is the fundamental assumption that it's hopeless, that all that you can do is fight these little guerrilla battles, because who could confront the organized army that's besetting us?

It's cocky to say this - but my immediate gut reaction to this is - I CAN. That's who! I mean, not yet - really, but, well, as RPI has always said, why not change the world?

---

There are never enough grants, and they're fewer and fewer. The grants are laying really thin on the ground anymore.

He talks of private grants - grants from companies, investing in art as part of a business scheme. But I'm remembering both the Renaissance, and what I'm doing with a friend - Patronage. One person, who wants the art another makes - only I've got my own flavor on it. I've requested a particular thing from a friend, given a particular idea, that I cannot, and perhaps, would not, make myself. And it'll be his art, and his piece, but I feel like there'll always be a little piece of my in it; like all the mass of a baby comes from the mother but half of it's seed is from the father. If this works out, I'll have this piece of art, and all throughout it's creation, the author will know who it's for, and the original idea comes from a synthesis of thought.

Anyway - I wonder what the state of Patronage of the Arts is today.

Ironically, I think BRAF sponsors artists the way that corporations do - I mean, they have a different point and purpose, which does make all the difference - but the method is the same. There's a part of me that wants to be a patron - ha! There's the gist of it. Don't be a Patron of the Arts, be a patron of artists. Specific people that you know, that you want to see the next work of - not representatives of a Category.

---

one of the first ideas is that you don't sell out, and if you want to get a little more positive, a little more optimistic than the punks ever managed to be, you can turn that around and convert it into a gift-giving ethic. If you're making your own show, then

Give that show, don't just put it on.

---

So I'm thinking over the BRC "economy", and I can't help but think of the Yint "economy", where trade is a means to mutually optimize resource usage. "I can give up [this] for [that] or [that] or [that] because to me, they are all equivelent" - that's the core concept of the Yint economy. And I might have a hard time seperating from that - "I can't give [that] away!" I might say, "I need it!".
Which is all fine and dandy - but beside the point. It's a gift-giving place - in which case, take the Yint though and flip the operation direction around - it's not about maximising the resource usage, it's about maximising the gift giving. "If I can get [that], [that], or [that], I can give away [this] and be OK!"

---

I'm just gonna post this up raw, but maybe I'll come back and edit it later. But, to leave it with a synopsizing statement - This speech makes me feel like everything I've ever really cared about grew up, got together, and threw a party, and that party is called Burning Man. It's a personal fault that I've been the sort of person who didn't go to something so obviously and completely up their alley, and that part of me is even more On The List that it used to be.

Do things, dammit.

(and stop getting all riled up like before you have to sleep, bozo)



---
----


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Burning Man - Rites of Passage

I have an idea brewing for an art piece for this year's Burning Man theme that I think is excellently appropriate. I have the core idea and intended / driving meaning, but not all of the refinments, flavors and surfaces of those. I'm also not sure how I want to go about telling people what the idea is, since I want others to be inspired by it, but not to mimic, for to mimic, I think, would do something between defeat and poison the concept. At the very least, I expect to (want to) share the core, driving idea, since that I would want to see mimiced. I may have something later tonight to share, but I'm holding off on the consumption of content and thought I expect to finish the gestation till I get home, since that kind of existential enthralling is Not Safe For Work.

Monday, November 1, 2010

New York Halloween

Damien Vera quotes Potrait of Dorian Grey: "We're all wearing a mask; we only take it off when we're drunk, or put on another mask."

Annnd I really do like me when I'm drunk. Or behind another mask. So... Hmm. Worth contemplating.

(not that I don't like me the rest of the time, but yeah)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

GEB 2

Minds, Monkeys and Socialization

Edward Yukowski mentioned a study of a monkey tribe as part of an explanation for the arousal of intelligence - namely, that the run-away process of social competition is what drove is to have bigger, better brains.

Well, had an interesting connection with this - If we take a Strange Loop to entail the way in which a formal, rigid system - a non-sentient system, we might say - become intelligent- and we take that a Strange Loop can be fundamentally a self-referential device - a means for a system to generate meaning by referencing itself in the way that language derives meaning from the world around it - then wouldn't a strange loop for intelligence be a self-referential intelligence? (Bam! I think, therefore I am - took on a whole new meaning). To put it another way, one having to do with social monkeys - we take the ability to model another intelligence - developed for use in a competitive social environment - and turn it to modeling ourselves...

Yeah, that sounds about right.

In other thought, I've often remarked that something about LGBT people is attractive to me, something that seems common in all of them but uncommon in most other people. I used to think that it was the act of saying so strongly (due to the ressistance) I am This! - that what I found attractive was that decisive act (and what then comes from it). Now perhaps I wonder if what I find attractive in that is the greater presence of consciousness itself; that greater degree of self-awareness that comes from such an assertion? I'll have to think on this more, but the thought presented itself to me and I didn't want to turn it away.

Friday, October 15, 2010

GEB 1

Ok - First off, I am looking at restarting this, and I'll explain all when I get there.

But for now, gotta get this idea out:

So, GEB is talking about strange loops, self-referential statements, etc. There's a better way to put that that I think might come out the next couple of thoughts, but:

Branch 1: So, imagine you're learning a new language from someone you have no common language with. They can reference things around them, utter a sound, and from context, you can reasonably assume that the sound means the referenced thing. The sounds of "apple" and the context of the fruit connect to give the symbol "apple" meaning.

Branch 2: One of the problems of AI (AFIAK), is that, while we can make systems that can figure out relations between symbols, it can be hard to argue that the system then knows what a symbol means. Indeed; I think we can see this in certain mathematics, where we can do symbol manipulation on a set of symbols and rules, with no care as to what the symbols correspond to. They're meaningless in their lack of reference.

So the problem is then - how do we get meaning into symbols? More - how do we get meaning into symbols without an outside reference - because was can build a system of symbols and rules with no outside; ie, the Universe.

But! And here, I think, might be a crux point of GEB: A Godel strange loop is a symbol manipulation that references the system it is in, perhaps in the way that the word "apple" references a fruit, or the word "English" references the very system it belongs too.

Basically, with that example, without a reality "apple" will forever remain a meaningless symbol, which "English", because it references that which it is a part of, will always have meaning.

I'm thinking this might give new meaning to "I think, therefore I am", but I'm not sure yet.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I have been keeping myself way, way to busy, and haven't been making sure to carve out time for this. I might have to reduce to once a week for a few weeks, until I'm settled in Seattle.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Friday, August 6, 2010

Bad Nick

No N&N today. I've used up my buffer between packing and traveling*, and while I could have today, we're shipping my sis off to college so it was family day.

* So; left Troy for good. Packing was last week, and this week was Seattle for a job interview and traveling. Good news: I got job! More Good News: I have to pick between Seattle and LA! Blog News: Tomorrow will be me thinking through all this, with the info I've got. What do I want? What do I need? Where can I get these things? But tonight is family night and 5:00 AM drives to airport. The worst time, other than rush hours - waaay to early for reasonable, and just too late for all-nighter.

Monday, August 2, 2010

N&N 8: Unconscious Virtues

About ~10 minutes.

Rapidshare

Megaupload

Topics:
Nietzsche:
Our Known and Unknown Virtues

Nick:
Bad Models of Other People
Midlife Crisis
Who is it that directs the change in yourself?


Q: What are my virtues and faults as you, the listener/readers, see?

Thursday, July 29, 2010

N&N - Something for the Laborious

It recorded kinda quiet. ~10 minutes



Topics:

Nietzsche:
That the history of love, avarice, etc, is unrecorded and unexamined.
That we assume these things are constant throughout history.

Nick:
Assumptions about my present and future based upon a poorly understood past.
The feel of your own mind, and how it has changed over time.
Should you keep a diary?

Question for the readers: What exactly is he referencing with the phrase "cyclopic structures"?

Future Topic: Secrets, A Closer Examining of My Past

----
Listen, then read:
----

So, I haven't been doing the dairy thingy, but I have been trying to keep track of my emotional state throughout the day and what events surround it. I'm doing Bad Science right now because I'm not paying enough attention to data and too much attention to the theory, but so far I've held pretty true to the overall pattern that being around people = good, and not being around people = bad. And/or, mornings = bad and evenings = good, but, all my mornings are lonely and my evening's really aren't.

I do want to try the micro dairy thing, but I'll have to figure out my means before it can really catch. Although I do know that the data I'll be paying attention to are major activities and corresponding / apparently caused emotional states.

Thanks for listening!
-N

Monday, July 26, 2010

N&N - Loss of Dignity

This is actually the first one I recorded. It's a short passage.

~10 min.



Topics:

Nietzsche:
Meditation & Multitasking

Nick:
Thinking in your Idle / Waiting time.
[Humanist Scifi Short Story on Badly Realized Wishes] (I'll find the title for this... more on the todo list...)
Haste vs Speed

Future Topic Note:
I use the phrase "hurry up and get to the end", and it's reminding me of some thinking I've got that I'm not sure how to phrase succinctly without giving it away badly. Well, I think I can say; it's with regards to hopes versus expectations, and how I approach love and relationships.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Er..

I realized that I said something pretty goddamn arrogant in one of these, about Kate and I and where we both are on the road to "adult hood", whatever that is. If I remember it correctly, it was a pretty staggeringly arrogant thing to say. I'm gonna find some time to hunt it down, (not sure whether to hope it's in the posted ones or not...), and... Well, some form of redaction is in order, but I'm not certain enough of what I said, the context, or why I said it to really say what kind of redaction, and what goes along side (like, apologies). But I had to come and mention it, or I'd be brooding about it all night. Anyway. Yeah. Sometimes I'm an idiot?

------

Found it. N&N 2, at about 8 minutes. The synopsis bit is: "I think that's part of what this single period is going to do for her - bump her over the cusp into womanhood. "

So. Doesn't bother me anymore; it may be arrogant, to think that I know when that transition to "adult hood" occurs, but I can't shake the feeling that it's true. I guess the right way to phrase it mostly just drops the words that carry those heavy connotations; it's not "on the cusp of woman hood" (or, since I was making the same judgement on myself, "man hood"), it's "on the cusp of the next you." The next milestone in personal growth.

But even then, who am I to pass judgement on another like that? Well; answer's pretty simple; I'm a somebody. It's an opinion, like thinking a soup is to salty or a stew to sweet.

The actual arrogance comes from thinking that I know where she should be going - and to a lesser extent, that I know where I should be going - but I also can't shake the feeling that her personality is changing to a new perspective. Then again, as this break up has shown me, I didn't really get to know her all that well, so maybe I just didn't see this part.

Anyway. I guess the take away for me is that I need to watch out more when I think I know what other people need, and look for ways I might be wrong.

The take-away for you is that people who say they know what you should do aren't necessarily right.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

N&N 5: Unconditional Duties

Okay, edited (not that there's much editing that I do..). Also, sorry about the fan in the background for the first part. It was reaaally hot that day.

~20 min
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=KF6C0AZ2
http://rapidshare.com/files/409270265/Nietzsche5.mp3

Topics:
Nietzsche:
Philosophies of Morality
Categorical Morality

Nick:
Ubermensch
Acting for Yourself vs Another
Three Worlds Collide


Future Possible Topics:
Finding What You Look For / Bias in your Sampling
Diversity of Existence and Death / My Post-Singularity Humanity
Shoulds (and expectations, etc, etc...)

Monday, July 19, 2010

N&N 4 - That which Preserves the Species



Topics:

His:
The Value of "Bad" Men
Expedient Vs Inexpedient as a Morality

Mine:
Your Evil Instincts
Taoist's Biker's Big Horned Beast

http://rapidshare.com/files/407865830/Nietzsche-4.mp3
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Q8X53454

Saturday, July 17, 2010

7/17/2010

I don't have a title for this entry yet, and I'm not sure I ever will.

It more or less started with one thought: "I claim to be a deliberate individual, but am I? Am I really?"


This thought is coming on the curtails of reading, of all things, a fanfic. Well. Technically a fanfic. I'd term it more along the lines of a self-insertion replay, but anyway, here's the linky:

This is, I'm told, by the very same author of my much-lauded favorite, Three Worlds Collide, and it's very, very much living up the promise of that excellent work.

Anyway. This Harry Potter, this hyper rational Potter - that's what I always thought I was. But... As the best of fiction always shows us ourselves, maybe I'm not.

Except- heh, I still want to be, and by exercise of will, I will be. It also might be that I lost it, like so much else. (What in the hell happened to me, that I lost so much of myself? Where did it go, why did it leave?) To be dramatic - when did I die?

I claimed, to myself, that I wouldn't survive the break-up with Kate. With... with comforting frequency, I find myself ever more finding ways in which that's true. I thought to myself; "Who-ever I'll be after all this is done - it won't be the me that I am today."

I'm getting there, one step at a time, but I'm not there yet.

-----

Among other things, Jealousy came back. Occured again? It's... weird. Distressing, really. But also perhaps healthy - I also keep finding myself thinking, saying, heh, even praying (but don't read to much into that, my spirituality is.... probably not what you think it is, and I'm not ready to cover it) - "I got what I needed, not what I thought I wanted."


I think it's a consequence. I did another trip down to DC (for a job interview - went very well, thanks for asking!), and I talked with my cousin and her friends about this. That it didn't happen with my previous exes, and, quiet rightly, they suggested that it's because on some level I didn't think it was real.

It's comforting to my existential goals that I think it's real because (I think) I decided it should be.

---

Anyway. There was a quote in this fanfic (among many, many others) that really struck a chord in me:
"Funny how Harry's brain just seemed to keep on running and running, never shutting down no matter how tired it got. It got stupider but it refused to switch off."

This was true, and still mostly is - but not as much as I want it to be. I look back at who I was senior year -and I want to be them again. But you can't go back, as they say, you can only go forward.

I was thinking. I was living. I was doing. Am I just a shadow of who I was? (Yes - says the little voice - but you're also a phoenix of who you are. Thanks, little voice.)

I used to have more dreams, and weirder ones, and more... aware ones. I liked to blame it on the idea that I wouldn't so much as fall asleep as... get distracted enough to stop being conscious.

I'm going to think more. A lot more. It's a resolution.

--

So. I was going crazy, a few hours ago - my usual method. A few pieces of data, bringing about a theory to fit, and no real way or desire to let it go. Stirring in my own juices. So I went for a walk, to confer with myself in the grand echo chamber that is a good, impressive view. Well. It's more than a view, and it doesn't entirely feel like conferring with myself - but, anyway. That's more of the spirituality stuff that I'm not wanting to hit up yet.

Anyway. Walk, and talk, was good for me. And then at the end of it, when I started to leave, I wanted to run. To just book it.

And I remembered -

Way back when, last September, (in retrospect), I think I saw Kate do the same thing I was about to do.

When we went to the Farmer's Market two Wednesday's past, I asked about what she wanted in the future - She wanted an experience to change her life.

When we went to park, after that, and I saw her on a swing for the first time...

And I think about what went wrong, and what went right, and what was wanted, and not found -

She wants to have life flow through her. When she's on a swing, I think that's what I saw - and when she took off that one time, that's what she was running through.

---

Anyway. The causality between those thoughts, and taking off my sandals and running, is a little fuzzy, a little chicken-and-the-egg (and yes, I've heard)... But that's what I felt.

---

Unemployed in Troy isn't healthy for me. The people that I'm living with, now, are. There's life here, flowing in and around and through me, but I'm still... somewhat ghostly.

This blog is helping. The recent successes in job hunting are helping, as is the travel. Fittingly, playing "The Void" is... helping. It's at least fitting, and makes for a good analogy.

--

I still need more color, more life, more me. I need big dreams again.

Friday, July 16, 2010

N&N - The Noble the Ignoble

Sorry it's up late :P

This is also a doozy of one; 40 minutes or so! Lotta good thoughts, tho, I think.

It also occurs to me that in the last one, I compared myself to Buddhism...? And that's pretty goddamn arrogant...? Didn't really mean to come across that way; the metaphor more or less suddenly occurred to me and I just went with it - and hey, went someplace interesting.

It also, also occurs to me that I should put in "topic lists" to go with these, which I can assemble when I do the slight editing that I do do, but I'm gonna start at the beginning with those (in part cuz I don't want to listen to myself for 40 minutes, again, after editing it...), and for the new stuff.

Anyway! Usual hosts:

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Deliberate Me: Paying Attention

So, realizing I probably need some text up in here or I'll never snag any readers. And this thought came up again, so I decided I could try to write it down.

--

So. I've got just enough ADD to have all the problems, symptoms, and opposite drug reactions (man, you shoulda seen me after that dental surgery....), and we'd seen signs waaay back when. I'd jump around in a conversation, leaping from one topic (like ketchup) to a completely, seemingly unrelated topic (like Transformers. Or vice-versa. )

In my own head, it's like 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. There'll be a series of associations, logical leaps, whatever - that get me from A to Z by means of D, M and Q. But nobody else can follow, because they're missing some piece.

Anyway, Mum says to me; "Nick, you need to remember how you get from one topic to another, so you can tell people and take them along."

So I started watching my own mind, which, I'm damn certain, is critical.

Flash forward to a college summer. I'm teaching programming at idTech Camps. I'd take the students through the basics of code and Hello World, then give them a task. Wait a bit; for the inevitable confusions and questions to arise. I'd lean over, see a bit of code that didn't make sense, or an unusual way of doing something, and so I'd ask:

"Why did you write that?"

All to often, they'd just shrug. They did a thing, and they had no idea why.


The entire concept of not knowing why you did a thing that you just did boggles my mind. You might have a terrible reason, a silly reason, a dumb one - but you still had one. There was still a moment when you opted to do one thing, instead of another. When, in not knowing what to do, but still trying to do something, you settled on one course of action. And in that moment, you were thinking something.

It's that moment that's key. Learn to spot it, to pay attention to it. When you become aware enough of that moment, you can jump into it; change it.


PS - I don't really like this post, but I still wanna talk about this stuff, and I can't figure out what to change :P

Friday, July 9, 2010

Jimmy's Death

UPDATE: NOT a suicide.

Jimmy's dead and it's an accident. Random death has always bothered me, and while this counts, there's no real relevant thinking I've got in that direction. He's dead, and that means a lot of never again's. Hopes and dreams, smiles and thoughts.

I'm still not really mourning for the reasons below; his past still exists, and with it, pieces of him - so we're all carrying Jimmy's existence forward in time. But there's no future that he'll provide, and that's sad. I don't have anything about making that not sad; all I've got are changes of focus - the usual (effective) platitudes - remember the joy, not the dismay. Focus on what you've got, rather than what you can now never have.

I'm sad, but not really mourning, and there's a little spot in my head I'm keeping for him.


-----------

So, a friend of mine died a few days ago, and it's likely a suicide, but they haven't it ruled it one way or another yet.

Anyway. I realized I wasn't grieving as much as everyone else, and I thought about why. It's because I'd already finished, more or less, and I sort of wanted to share how and why, 'cuz it's philosophy and this is a blog.

First, I need to explain a bit of that I think of suicide. Mostly, I think it's silly, but I can begin to understand the motivations for it. In the end, I always still think - you could have taken everything you have, and moved somewhere entirely new. If you don't like the life you have, go get a different life.

That's not always possible, I think, but that's the advice I've given on the rare occasions advice on that topic has been needed. Once, as far as I know of, it's actually been taken.

Anyway. I find suicide particularly tragic because your existence ends at a low point; there's no hope to be had because it, now, can never get better. Under some views, that's your existence for ever after.

But. But! That's not in my life. That's not the Jimmy my existence carries forward, because he was never in those spots when I knew him. My existence carries forward the thinking, friendly, anxious Jimmy, eager to please to the point that he didn't accept that he already was. I'm carrying forward the Jimmy that got up one day and decided he'd see how long he could water fast, and did so until he had a few moments of blackout. The Jimmy that always wins at Axis and Allies (even with Italy!), and could be trusted with game-destroying power because he'd only ever use it to make everyone else's experience better. The Jimmy shooting the shit with us around Tofu Tim's table.

That's the existence he'll always have in my life.

It's when I thought that, and toasted to his spirit that I'd do this, that I finished grieving.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

N&N - The Teachers of the Object of Existence

(Okay, it's not the first thing in TGS, but I'm skipping the poetry for now)



It's about 20 minutes, or ~12 megs.

If there are any ideas you want me to elaborate on, ask away! I want to have a dialog with my listeners.

(BTW, if anyone has hosting suggestions, I'm all ears. Cheap, cheap ears, but ears)

N&N Intro

Let's get this thing rolling.

While this blog isn't only for the "Nietzsche with Nick" feature, it's the core bit and the original purpose. These will be in audio format, although I intend to (eventually) write up text blogs about, for instance, why this is called "The Deliberate Me". But that's for later. For now, here's the intro cast I recorded to N&N:



N&N is me reading (aloud) the sections from Nietzsche's "The Gay Science", and then thinking about them (aloud). That's really all there is to it.

I record these 2-3 weeks before I post them, and will post twice a week, on Mondays and Thursdays - except today, which is a double feature. This should mean I won't have gaps, because I've got blogging fat.

Anyway, welcome, and leave comments!