It more or less started with one thought: "I claim to be a deliberate individual, but am I? Am I really?"
This thought is coming on the curtails of reading, of all things, a fanfic. Well. Technically a fanfic. I'd term it more along the lines of a self-insertion replay, but anyway, here's the linky:
This is, I'm told, by the very same author of my much-lauded favorite, Three Worlds Collide, and it's very, very much living up the promise of that excellent work.
Anyway. This Harry Potter, this hyper rational Potter - that's what I always thought I was. But... As the best of fiction always shows us ourselves, maybe I'm not.
Except- heh, I still want to be, and by exercise of will, I will be. It also might be that I lost it, like so much else. (What in the hell happened to me, that I lost so much of myself? Where did it go, why did it leave?) To be dramatic - when did I die?
I claimed, to myself, that I wouldn't survive the break-up with Kate. With... with comforting frequency, I find myself ever more finding ways in which that's true. I thought to myself; "Who-ever I'll be after all this is done - it won't be the me that I am today."
I'm getting there, one step at a time, but I'm not there yet.
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Among other things, Jealousy came back. Occured again? It's... weird. Distressing, really. But also perhaps healthy - I also keep finding myself thinking, saying, heh, even praying (but don't read to much into that, my spirituality is.... probably not what you think it is, and I'm not ready to cover it) - "I got what I needed, not what I thought I wanted."
I think it's a consequence. I did another trip down to DC (for a job interview - went very well, thanks for asking!), and I talked with my cousin and her friends about this. That it didn't happen with my previous exes, and, quiet rightly, they suggested that it's because on some level I didn't think it was real.
It's comforting to my existential goals that I think it's real because (I think) I decided it should be.
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Anyway. There was a quote in this fanfic (among many, many others) that really struck a chord in me:
"Funny how Harry's brain just seemed to keep on running and running, never shutting down no matter how tired it got. It got stupider but it refused to switch off."
This was true, and still mostly is - but not as much as I want it to be. I look back at who I was senior year -and I want to be them again. But you can't go back, as they say, you can only go forward.
I was thinking. I was living. I was doing. Am I just a shadow of who I was? (Yes - says the little voice - but you're also a phoenix of who you are. Thanks, little voice.)
I used to have more dreams, and weirder ones, and more... aware ones. I liked to blame it on the idea that I wouldn't so much as fall asleep as... get distracted enough to stop being conscious.
I'm going to think more. A lot more. It's a resolution.
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So. I was going crazy, a few hours ago - my usual method. A few pieces of data, bringing about a theory to fit, and no real way or desire to let it go. Stirring in my own juices. So I went for a walk, to confer with myself in the grand echo chamber that is a good, impressive view. Well. It's more than a view, and it doesn't entirely feel like conferring with myself - but, anyway. That's more of the spirituality stuff that I'm not wanting to hit up yet.
Anyway. Walk, and talk, was good for me. And then at the end of it, when I started to leave, I wanted to run. To just book it.
And I remembered -
Way back when, last September, (in retrospect), I think I saw Kate do the same thing I was about to do.
When we went to the Farmer's Market two Wednesday's past, I asked about what she wanted in the future - She wanted an experience to change her life.
When we went to park, after that, and I saw her on a swing for the first time...
And I think about what went wrong, and what went right, and what was wanted, and not found -
She wants to have life flow through her. When she's on a swing, I think that's what I saw - and when she took off that one time, that's what she was running through.
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Anyway. The causality between those thoughts, and taking off my sandals and running, is a little fuzzy, a little chicken-and-the-egg (and yes, I've heard)... But that's what I felt.
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Unemployed in Troy isn't healthy for me. The people that I'm living with, now, are. There's life here, flowing in and around and through me, but I'm still... somewhat ghostly.
This blog is helping. The recent successes in job hunting are helping, as is the travel. Fittingly, playing "The Void" is... helping. It's at least fitting, and makes for a good analogy.
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I still need more color, more life, more me. I need big dreams again.
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